Psh, We Can Take Those Akatsuki Fools Anyday
by Tsu-Ze Haitsuchi
Summary: Three narutarded friends are sucked into the unoriginal plot of landing in the narutoverse, and get kidnaped by the Akatsuki. However, they all have the powers of annoyance and more to aid them, and as time goes on, might love rear its ugly head as well?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I would not be stuck writing lousy fanfiction if I owned Naruto. The Akatsuki wouldn't die of I owned Naruto. Sasuke would get his ass kicked by Itachi and then rot in Hell for eternity if I owned Naruto. Naruto would not wear a FRIGGIN' NEON ORANGE JUMPSUIT BECAUSE HE IS A NINJA AND NINJAS ARE STEALTHY AND BLEND IN if I owned Naruto. Soooo, if you brain isn't too cluttered by a vast library of fanfiction and useless but awesome Naruto facts, try to use some logic and come to the conclusion that I, do not in any way, shape, or form, own Naruto. Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in.I hope your happy now. I hope you take joy in my suffering, and that you found pleasure in reminding me that I do not own the awesomest anime in the world. Now, if you don't mind turning you attention away from my eternal misery and torture, why don't you just read the friggin' fanfic already while I go back to my emo corner and grow mushrooms with Gaara and Itachi (I kicked Sasu-gay out).**

Three girls sat huddled in front of a computer, one with Asian features, one with orange hair and long bangs that completely covered her right eye, and the last one with brunette hair that hung slightly below her chin and dyed blond side bangs.

"Why is he so fat? Ninjas shouldn't get that fat," the red haired one complained.

"It's for his jutsu. It's because of Choji's family trait," the girl with the dyed hair argued. They glared at each other briefly, about to begin a very loud quarrel, when the Asian girl spoke up,

"Shhhhh, It's at the part where he sprouts the butterfly wings!"

Now, to any outsider who didn't watch the Japanese anime Naruto, this statement would have made absolutely no sense at all. But to the three Naruto-obsessed friends, it seemed as natural as breathing. Their eyes were steadily fixed on the screen, even though they all knew what would happen next.

"Having a Naruto marathon at your house was a great idea, Casey," The Asian girl told the girl with the dyed hair (Casey), her eyes still glued to the computer.

"Hey, stay in character, Sara- I mean, Satake-. My ninja name is 'Tsu-Ze', remember?" Casey responded offhandedly. To the left of her, the red haired girl wasn't paying as much attention to the computer as her companions were; instead, she was attentively sketching something on a sheet of paper attached to a clipboard that was labeled with the name "Kristen". Casey shot a quick glance to her artistic friend, and then a much longer one to her picture.

"Whoa," Casey exclaimed as she gawked at Kristen's drawing. There were thirteen cats standing together, along with one that was only partially sketched, each with unique markings. "You're drawing the Akatsuki and us as kitties!"

"Well, thank you, Captain Obvious," Kristen sarcastically replied, most of her attention still devoted to her art. Casey managed to pull off a pouting dejected face, until her features stretched back to her usual mischievous grin.

"Tsu-Ze, the episode ended. Now it's your turn to pick one," Sara told Casey. Casey leaned over to the computer, and began typing things and pressing buttons, until she straightened back up, apparently satisfied. Kristen added the final strokes to her sketch, and then asked,

"which episode did you pick?"

"Silly Tora, you have to ask? Episode 85, when Sasuke gets his ass handed to him by Itachi!"

"I still don't see what you find so great about Itachi-baka. I mean, really, talk about a psycho killer. He should have just murdered Sasuke..." she trailed off with a smirk.

"Well, I have to agree with you on the last part, but still, Itachi is not a baka! He is a ninja prodigy, who has mastered the greatest powers of the Uchiha clan and is the greatest genjutsu user ever! Also, the loyalty to his village and will of fire is unmatched even by Naruto, and-" At this point, both Kristen and Sara had tuned out Casey's gushing rant about how great the ex-ninja of Konoha was.

"You just had to get her started, didn't you," Sara said, exasperated, to her red haired friend as she rolled her brown eyes. Kristen just stood there in awe, having had no idea that there could be someone so great that Casey- no, ANYONE- could keep up such an unfaltering stream of compliments with absolutely no sign of stopping, just as Casey was displaying. Eventually, she returned her gaze back to the computer, and left her friend to rant. After about ten minutes, Casey finally slowed down, and ended her lecture with a breathless,

"And that is just a fraction of what makes Uchiha Itachi so great!" Her friends sighed at this, relieved that she was done. Just then, Casey looked at the computer screen, and let out another squeal, followed by,

"Yay! An Itachi scene!" It was indeed the part where Itachi and Kisame were running away from the giant toad stomach that Jiraiya had summoned to trap them in. The Akatsuki members were running on the river that led from the village, when Kristen suddenly uttered nine unexpected words,

"I wish we could go to the Naruto world." Then, everything went black for the three girls, as their world started to fall away...

Itachi's POV:

I desperately needed to recover my strength. As much as I hated to admit it, with the condition my eyes were in, and the growing sickness in my lungs, using the mangekyo sharingan and the amaterasu consecutively had left me exhausted. However, the pain of seeing Sasuke again seemed to dull the others, although if it was because I was glad or more miserable, I could not tell. I would not be able to face one of the legendary Sannin in this condition. As Kisame and I reached the edge of the banks, something caught our eyes, and made us hesitate. There were three young girls, washed up on the bank, and apparently unconscious. Knowing they may be a threat, I motioned to Kisame to check them out briefly. As he leaned over one of them, she surprisingly started blinking, and said sleepily,

"Oh, great... Kisame... I suppose that means that Itachi-baka is accompanying you? What a shitty dream..." before slowly slipping back into unconscious. Alarm bells immediately started going off in my head.

'Who were these girls, and how did they gain so much information about the Akastuki?' I mentally questioned myself.

You take the red haired one and the darker haired one, and I'll take the girl with the multicolored hair. Leader-sama will want to know where they acquired their information," I tonelessly ordered, while slinging the girl over my shoulder. Pushing Sasuke to the back of my mind, I focused on the task ahead of me, just like any other well-trained, emotionless, ninja. These mysterious girls had quite an interrogation coming their way once they woke up.

**Sorry it's not the best and not very funny yet, but the beginning is always the hardest part, and things will pick up a lot more after this chapter! Remember, reviews feed the plot bunnies! Well, when they're not eating M&M's, that is...**


	2. Chapter 2

Casey's POV-

When I woke up, the first thing that registered in my foggy and quite possibly brain-damaged mind was - PAIN! Apparently, someone had gotten the not-so-great idea of using my head as the chime in a giant brass bell, and then ringing it repeatedly. Or at least, that's what it felt like to me.

The second thing was -MORE PAIN! This time, I noticed that somebody (probably the same person with the bell), decided to sling me over the top of a flag pole, with the tip being the point holding me up by my stomach. At this point, I had come to the conclusion that my morning couldn't possibly get crappier than this. Oh, how wrong I was.

Finally, the third observation that pushed itself out of the mist in my mind was movement. This seemed to be the trigger to actually de-foggify what was left of my poor brain, and jog my senses back into action. I wasn't being balanced on a flagpole; it was a person's shoulder. My head had not been used as a chime; I had simply passed out. And the creeper who was carrying me was running _very quickly_ away from my home, my family, my friends, and, most likely, the police. So, my immediate response to the situation was me screaming and swearing bloody murder into the freak's ear,

"_LET ME THE FUCK DOWN YOU MOTHER-FUCKING PERVERT!"_

Much to my chagrin, this did not elicit any response out of my captor. And much to my surprise, another very familiar voice answered instead,

"Oh, thank Jashin you're okay! I thought you were dead!"

I quickly slammed my hands down on my kidnaper's back, and shot my body up as best I could.

"YAY! Kitty-chan, you're here! Now help me kick these perverts' asses all the way to Konoha"

"Casey," Kristen (or "kitty-chan')began in a much more serious manner. "That's where they just came from. Remember?"

I thought back to the sleepover, just before I blacked out.

*_Flashback*_

"Yay! An Itachi scene," I squealed as I watched the part where itachi and Kisame were running away from the giant toad stomach that Jiraiya had summoned to trap them in. The Akatsuki members were running on the river that led from the village, when Kristen suddenly uttered nine unexpected words,

"I wish we could go to the Naruto world." Then, everything went black, as my world started to fall away...

*_Flashback end*_

My eyes widened, and I turned to look at the man carrying me. After a only a split second of staring, he rotated his head to face mine, and I saw that me, myself, and I, were currently hanging out on Itachi Uchiha's shoulder.

"WEASEL-KUN" I squealed loudly, and then began to poke the lines on his face.

'Well, this is much better than just being captured by some pedophile… now I can finally ask him why he has these lines on his face,' I thought gleefully to myself while proceeding to jab the lines a little harder.

"Hey, Itachi, why do you have lines on your face? Why did you kidnap me and my friends? Do you like dango? What brand shampoo do you use? Do you like baby puppies? Why didn't you just kill chicken-butt? "

After my last question, I saw the rouge Konoha shinobi's eye twitch just slightly. Satisfied by getting a reaction out of him, I resumed my interrogation, going back to the first question.

"So, what's with the wrinkles? Are you, like, old? Did someone draw on your face with permanent marker? Oh, I know, a kitty scratched you! Is that it? Huh? Hey, are you ignoring me? Answer me! Come on, please?"

Irritated by Itachi's silence,I frowned, and quickly switched to a different tactic.

"Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi. Itachi-kun. Itachi-kun. Itachi-kun. Itachi-kun. Itachi-kun. Itachi-kun. Itachi-kun. Itachi-kun. Itachi-kun. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Itachi-chan. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. Weasel. !"

"FOR PETE'S SAKE, SHUT UP ALREADY, CASEY!"

After hearing that, I quickly abandoned my mission to question Itachi (or was it just to annoy him…hmmm…), and felt fake anime tears streaming down my cheek.

"Sara-chan, you're here too! Now the whole group can get kidnapped by psycho-ninja together! Yay! "

"Ugh, why does my head hurt so much…? HOLY HECK I'M BEING CARRIED BY KISAME!"

"Yeah, join the club. You were the last to wake up, no doubt because of Casey's chattering. If we're lucky, she might manage to kill Itachi-baka. Death by annoyance, what a horrible way to die,"

Kristen answered dryly.

*Third Person POV*

*GASP* "HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT MY PREEECIIIOOOUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

Casey said while petting Itachi possessively. Oddly, she started giggling uncontrollably, and in a rather disturbing and sinister way.

"Casey, how much sugar did you really have at the sleepover?"

Sara cautiously asked.

"Five candy necklaces, two bags of marshmallows, twenty bowls of chocolate chips, and two liters of coke!"

"We're all doomed…" Sara and Kristen stated simultaneously, obviously terrified. For the first time, Kisame finally spoke up,

"Huh? What do you mean?" He queried in confusion. He shot a sideways glance at Casey, but then held it in utter horror as she began to vibrate and her pupils started dilating.

"OM NOM NOM!"

Casey suddenly screamed as she attempted to eat Itachi's ponytail.

"I KNEW IT! ORANGE AND VANILLA SHAMPOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

She shouted triumphantly, howling the "oo" for a long time as the Uchiha snatched his long ponytail and held it in front of him in disgust.

"IT'S THE SAME KIND THE PUFFINS USE! THE PUFFINS…..THE ONES THAT STALK ME … I SEE THEM EVERYWHERE…"

The sugar-high girl trailed off. Kisame's eyes widened even more as Casey began to shake more violently, now perched upon Itachi's shoulder like a very large parrot with her arms cradling her knees (no one seemed to know how or when she had switched to that position).

"BUT IT'S OKAY! I KNOW HOW TO KEEP THE CHOCLATE BUBBLE PUFFINS AWAY… OPERA!"

When Kristen and Sara heard the last word, they gasped in horror, and quickly covered their ears, hoping to protect themselves as well as they could from any lasting damage. Unfortunately, Kisame and Itachi still did not fully comprehend what was taking place. They learned their lesson, however when the hyper prisoner started belting out "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" about three octaves higher than it should ever be sung, with full but uncontrolled vibrato.

"SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW, WAY UP HIGH! THERE'S A LAND THAT I HEARD OF ONCE IN A LULLABUY! SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW, SKY'S ARE BLUE! AND THE DREAMS-"

Casey stopped there as she reverted back to giggling maniacally.

Shockingly, all this managed to trigger Itachi into showing emotion for the first time in years (in front of others, at least).

"What's wrong with her?"

He questioned almost emotionlessly- except for a slight horrified tremor, that everyone only just managed to notice. This shocked Kisame completely, and even snapped Casey out of her sugar high (no small feat) long enough to stare at him in shock… until her pupils dilated again and she attempted to glomp Itachi's neck while shrieking victoriously into his now bleeding ear,

"YES! I FINALLY GOT THE MAN-EATING BUBBLES TO RETURN EMOTION BACK TO ITAaaa-"

She was fortunately cut off when Itachi finally activated his sharingan, and sent her back to lala land, much to the relief of his companion and the other prisoners

"Thank you" They said in unison, an anime sweat drop sliding down all of their faces.

**YAY! SECOND CHAPTER! Sorry it took so long… I blame it on school! And not getting enough reviews! The plot bunnies are going hungry…****. Criticism is welcome, as long as it's constructive. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, Casey is pretty much me, and Kristen and Sara are my friends. I try to make their characters and mine as close to the real version personality-wise as possible. Yes, that is how I tend to be in real life- be afraid; be very, very afraid -) **


	3. Chapter 3

Sara's POV

I sweat dropped as Itachi finally shut up my sugar high friend. Jashin, that girl was annoying sometimes. At other times, she was just… scary, to say the least. A shudder crawled across my body as I thought of what that violent girl was capable of. Ah, the confusing life of being friends with a bipolar person.

I sighed wearily, my way of expressing relief at Casey's silence, and my eye twitched slightly as I glared at both Itachi and Kisame.

"You two had no idea what you were dealing with when you kidnapped us, did you?"

I grumbled through gritted teeth. I knew once my friend woke up and actually got a grasp on the situation, there would be hell to pay.

'If I'm lucky, Itachi or Kisame will have decided to kill me by then,"

I thought, remembering the last time Casey actually got very angry.

*_Flashback*_

"Hey, what's with all the dumb Naruto stuff? Don't you have a life?"

Phil, the jerk of the school asked at recess. I didn't even look up from my manga book to dignify his question with a response, but Casey, who was sitting next to me reading another manga, did.

"Hey, what's with all the dumb jerk stuff? Don't you have a brain?"

She shot back with a glare. I only just managed to hide my smirk behind my book cover.

'I am so glad that girl is on my side,'

I thought gratefully. I didn't get to read much more of my _Naruto_ book however, as it was suddenly snatched from my hands. I angrily opened my mouth to protest, but my friend next to me beat me to it, when her hands were suddenly holding air like mine.

"Give. Us. Back. The. Fucking. Books. You. Mother. Fucking. Asshole,"

Casey demanded, in the most dangerous tone I had ever heard coming from her. I silently cringed at her choice of words, but I knew that it was nothing compared to the pain the poor bully was about to feel.

'Still, she really should do something about that swearing,'

I thought with a sweat drop. I returned my focus to the matter at hand, contemplating how much I wished I could get some popcorn for this. When I saw that baka Phil still refusing to return our books, I almost felt pity for him. Almost.

"Hmmm… how about… no! I think that they'd look much better in… say… a puddle. You retards probably wouldn't be able to do-"

Poor, unfortunate Phil never got to finish his threat, as Casey chose that moment to lunge at him with an almighty war cry of,

"YOU BASTARD!"

*_Flashback End*_

I looked back at Casey's sleeping form. Phil had ended up in the hospital for three weeks, and yet here was his attacker, looking strangely innocent in sleep.

"Pssst, Sara! I don't know if you've noticed, but we've been kidnapped by s-ranked shinobi criminals, here! We need to escape,"

Kristen whispered harshly in my ear.

"Why, thank you for informing me! That little detail managed to slip by me, Kristen,"

I answered sarcastically. I sighed, and rubbed my temples tiredly. I wasn't usually that mean, but the cause of events had, not surprisingly, even frayed my usually peaceful nerves. I turned back to Kristen, and quietly revised my reply.

"Look, the fact of the matter is, we have no chance. They're Akatsuki, and we're not even ninja. If you have a plan, then please inform me."

"Actually, yeah, I have a plan,"

The ginger girl said, donning an expression that I usually only saw on Casey.

"Death by annoyance."

Kisame's POV

I heard the prisoners whispering to each other, and quickly focused chakra to my ears so that I could hear them. They really were bakas to think that they could whisper without Itachi or me hearing.

"Look, the fact of the matter is, we have no chance. They're Akatsuki, and we're not even ninja. If you have a plan, then please inform me,"

I heard the black haired one say.

'They must be trying to plan an escape. Well, at least one of them actually has some sense,'

I thought.

"Actually, yeah, I have a plan,"

I heard the orange one say.

'Oh, this should be interesting.'

"Death by annoyance."

'_shit!'_

**Oh, come on people! Is my story so bad that it doesn't even deserve your reviews? I'm going to start trying to make the chapters longer and better, but I need your help! I feel like nobody's reading! Like I'm alone in the world… totally alone… :'(**


	4. Chapter 4

'_Italics means thoughts.'_

**YESH! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU! People have answered my call, and reviewed! Now, for a special guest appearance, I give you… PERVY SSSAAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEE!**

**Jiraiya- 0.o WTF? I THOUGHT YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE SEXY GIR- oh, well hello there, gorgeous… yeah, you, with the face of an angel and body of-**

**Me- Jiraiya! For Jashin's sake, stop harassing the readers and just say the disclaimer!**

**Jiraiya- Fine… This is for you, my flower ;)… Casey (Tsu-Ze) does not own Naruto, thank Kami.**

**Me-WHAT WAS THAT LAST PART?**

Casey's POV

I woke up… Wow, again? I must really be taking too many naps… but I digress!

I woke up… tied to a spit, slowly cooking over an open fire while weasel and gills licked their chops, anticipating their next meal of roasted obnoxious-girl.

HAHAHA, no. I kid, I kid. The Akatsuki aren't cannibals! Well, Zetsu is, but weasel and sharky ain't. Actually, I'm not too sure about sharky, but… aw, screw it!

I woke up… in my nice, warm, bed at home, because everything had been just a bad dream! Dammit, no. That's a lie. F my life.

I actually woke up with another splitting headache, propped up against a tree. I guess this time was better than last. I (thankfully) woke up knowing exactly where I was, who I was with, and what was happening. And this time, I did not have sugar to taint my now extremely pissed off mind.

Apparently, our two favorite ex-ninjas had decided that it wasn't even worth it to tie me up. At least, that's what I thought, until I tried to move.

"Trying to move is futile. The drugs we have injected into you will keep you paralyzed for at least another hour. Now, this time, do you actually grasp the danger of the situation you're in? I suggest you refrain from doing anything that will displease us,"

Jaws told me pompously. I hated that expression on his face; it was a mix of arrogance, victory, and the always popular "Holier-Than-Thou" look. I waited until he was finished reciting his carefully-rehearsed little speak, and then gave him a death glare more acidic than anything Sasu-gay could whip up, while saying four simple words in a livid tone that could inspire heart-attacks.

"I will eat you."

It was clear that Kisame did not know what to make of this, probably thinking that I was another Zetsu, but at the moment, I simply did not give a shit. I was happy that my mouth did not appear to be immobile from poison, but I desperately needed time to gather my wits, and think.

I started by observing my surroundings. I was currently in one of the typical Naruto forests that you usually see team 7 jumping through. And let me just say, the trees were frickin' HUGE! I could barely see through the canopy of green that towered about my head.

Itachi appeared to be preparing a small campfire, while Kisame was taking out those instant ramen cups. That, combined with the sun's position, told me that it was close to dinner. Looking at my watch that I had forgotten I was wearing (*sweat drop*), I found that my suspicions were correct, and it was 6:23.

Kristen and Sara sitting against two separate trees to either side of me, apparently as helpless as I was. Kristen noticed me looking at her, and silently mouthed to me, "I have a plan."

Kristen's POV-

After watching Kisame's reaction to Casey's threat, I laughed inwardly. Now he probably thought she was Zetsu's cannibalistic sister or something. Still, with the tone of her voice and the way she glared at him, I wasn't surprised that he had shut up. I wanted to talk to her, but after the display she had showed the unfortunate ninja swordsman of the mist, I figured now was not the time.

Luckily, she decided to roll her blue eyes my way, and so I took the chance and mouthed, "I have a plan," to her.

Casey, in return, gave me a glare that just screamed I'd-love-to-hear-it-but-if-you-hadn't-noticed-I'm-currently-paralyzed-you-idiot.

I just sighed in frustration, and decided to wait for the drugs to wear off. That's when it hit me; isn't Sasori the member with the poisons? Why would Itachi need them when he had a whole library of genjutsu at his disposal?

I smirked triumphantly, and mouthed "genjutsu" to Casey. Almost immediately her eyes lit up in comprehension, and I knew she had gotten the message.

Casey, unlike me, was horrible at subjects like math, as it involved too much logic for her. On the other hand, her creativity and cleverness compensated for that, along with her psychological understanding of the human mind (and how to annoy the hell out of it) and her ability to wiggle her way out of any situation unscathed.

I closed my eyes, and tried to feel for chakra. I mentally smirked at how many times my Narutarded friends and I had attempted this at home. I concentrated (something very hard for me to do), until I felt a glimmer of something unfamiliar in the back of my mind, and a strange feeling shiver through my body. It was sort of like a second pulse, that I could feel, but not hear or touch. I felt… connected…. for a moment… and then I lost it.

A animalistic growl crawled up my throat, and I blew the annoying hair that insisted on falling over my eyes away. I then focused my eyes to Casey, only to discover with surprise that she wasn't there. The next thing I knew, I had regained some mobility, but I was tied to a tree.

My eyes met Casey's victorious face and her hand that was currently clutching mine. It appeared she had forced her chakra through my hand to break the jutsu. I simply smiled back, relief showing in my expression, and noticed how dark everything was.

'_So, it's actually night. Perfect, I can work well in this!_'

I thought happily.

"You okay, Kristen?"

Casey whispered quietly. I nodded my head yes in response, while asking,

"How did you get out of the ropes?"

In response, she simply held up her necklace. It was a sort of mini version of Asuma's hand-knife weapon. Of course Casey, being Casey, had sharpened her accessory until it had become quite dangerous, though she refused to stop wearing it as a necklace. I had thought it was weird before, and probably not a very good idea for someone like her, but now I was very grateful as I felt the ropes that had bound me to the tree slip down, freeing me.

I silently watched as my weapon-obsessed friend silently moved over to give Sara the same treatment as me, when a thought struck me and I tapped Casey's shoulder to grab her attention.

"Casey, we're in the Naruto world now. Here, I think it would be best if we were… well… Tora, Tsu-Ze, and Satake."

"Yeah… I know."

Casey (Tsu-Ze)'s POV

My expression darkened as I agreed with Krist- …Tora. Along with our names, I knew we had to change our whole way of thinking, and maybe our personalities would evolve in the process. As I looked down at the sleeping forms of the Akatsuki, though, I decided that no matter what the cost, I would survive in this world- no, I would be a part of this world. A useful part, somewhere I belonged.

I blinked slowly, as I thought about the implications of staying here, and looked to Sara, now Satake, and told her about the name change.

I'm not always the sugar-high crazy that I was earlier. When I get hyper for whatever reason, my whole demeanor changes. Without the over-zealousness, I can be pretty deep when I want to, and sometimes I become quite cold to people who I feel are intruding or who I just don't like. Also, my humor can actually make sense, and my heavy sarcasm can be quite painful to the one receiving it.

Besides that, I am a little over-obsessed with music, everything seems to have an underlying meaning to me, and I am an avid day-dreamer, along with my unstoppable procrastination habits. Not to mention the violent tendencies and obsession with sharp objects. Hehehe… of course, I'm always random, sugar-high or no.

"Tsu-Ze… TSU-ZE!"

Satake loudly whispered in my ear, and my thoughts snapped back to the present ordeal.

Yeah, like I said before… daydreaming. I can't help it, it's not like I have control of my own mind! T_T

"Yeah, yeah, I'm here now. Shoot!"

"Tora's been checking things out, and it turns out we're still trapped. There's a chakra-barrier-thingy that's surrounding the campsite."

"Oh, that's just fucking perfect. What now? Tora told me that she had a plan. Do you know about it?"

Did I mention I swear a lot?

"Yeah, I do. It probably means a lot of pain for us, though. But at least it won't be difficult."

I jumped at the sound of Tora's disembodied voice that appeared to my right. It was a new moon, and I couldn't see a thing. The thick treetops weren't helping the stars shine visibly, either. I hate new moons. Along with that god-awful vampire book. I mean, what happened to vampires with fangs? And SPARKLING vampires? Give me a break! I liked it better when they disintegrated in the sun. If you ask me (which I'm sure you're not), Edward and the "Cullens" are just a bunch of half-assed pansies who put the vampire name to shame. DOWN WITH TWILIGHT!

Wait, where was I again? Hmm… oh, yeah!

"Do tell."

"We break them using our powers of annoyance."

Cue evil demonic grin that no one could see but it still had the same creepy effect in my mind because dramatic-ness is just to awesome to ignore.

"Perfect. I guess this time, the new moon is going to be quite helpful…"

"Do I want to know?"

Both Tora and Satake bluntly asked with concern.

"Oh, you'll find out…"

**-THE NEXT DAY-**

Third Person POV

Kisame woke up and rubbed his round little fish eyes. It had been the first full night of sleep he had gotten on this mission, on account of deciding to use extra chakra to construct a barrier for the prisoners.

He highly doubted that they would even get out of the genjutsu (let alone being tied to a tree) and grinned sharkishly in content, showing off all of his pointed teeth.

Until he noticed that Itachi was lying snuggled into his chest, sucking his thumb.

"Itachi-san! Wh-what are you doing?"

The swordsman asked as he scurried away from the Uchiha, with the best WTF look a shark could muster.

In response, Itachi slowly lifted his head, and with little anime hearts in his eyes replacing his usual sharingan, said,

"B-but Kisame-sama, I… love you…"

After more than a moment of shock and apparent disgust, Kisame narrowed his eyes. Glowering, he punched "Itachi" in the stomach, and a poof of smoke replaced the weasel ninja with Satake, who was laughing hysterically while clutching her bruised stomach in pain.

Meanwhile, the real Itachi was facing his brother, who was kneeling on the ground, sobbing.

"Nii-san, *sob* why? I just *sob* can't keep the secret *sob* anymore. Not after seeing *sob* you *sob* again. Itachi nii-san, I know it's *sob* forbidden, but I love you. Please, *sob* tell me you feel the same *sob* way?"

Itachi's eye twitched, and he wore the expression of someone who had food poisoning and was about to throw up.

He quickly activated his sharingan, and used it to force Sasuke to disappear in another cloud of smoke, this time with Tora rolling on the ground in hysterics, wiping away tears of laughter and joy at the Uchiha's pain.

It was then that a splitting scream that belonged to Tsu-Ze seared through the chaos,

"OMG MY PERIOD STARTED! SOMEONE GET ME A PAD, ASAP!"

All faces turned towards her, one with repulsed shock, two with absolute glee (this had obviously all been planned), and one with something no one could identify (probably because Itachi's use of emotion had not happened in a long time and he was extremely out of practice).

Suddenly, two of the faces changed into extreme wrath mode, triggering the others to switch to mortification.

Slowly, Itachi and Kisame paced towards the girls, sword out and sharingan activated. Kisame cracked his knuckles, and all together Tsu-Ze, Tora, and Satake gulped.

"Hey, guys? I think it might be a bit easier and a bit more painful to bring them to breaking point than I originally thought…"

Whispered Tora to her friends.

**Yeah. I WENT THERE! XD**

**So, review! If you have any questions, review! If you like it and want me to do more chapters like this, review! If you hated it and have suggestions, review! If you believe that Twilight sucks, review!**

**Oh, and if any of you didn't quite get it,**

**Kristen=Tora**

**Sara=Satake**

**Casey=Tsu-Ze**

**And it's probably going to stay that way.**

**Popcorn ^_^**


	5. Chapter 5

**Oh. My. Jashin.**

**I am so so so so so so so sooooooooooooo sorry that I have been ignoring you guys. I don't even have a good excuse except school and laziness! I was going to do a Halloween special, but I never got around to it, and**… **I'm so sorry! I deserve to be tortured by a wild pack of Sasu-gay fan girls!** **FORGIVE MEEEEE! Aaaand I'm back to growing mushrooms in my emo corner… T_T**

**Okay, and now that I'm done begging, I'd really like to thank the people who reviewed. I was shocked, dangerously ecstatic, and then I got that warm fuzzy feeling after each positive review I read. But you know who isn't getting enough reviews and subscriber? My friend, Kristen/Tora who has started her own story about the ninja trio. Go check it out, the link is right here:**

**.net/s/6316350/1/**

**Disclaimer: Seeing as pigs STILL have not yet evolved wings and the molten core of the earth has not, to my knowledge, frozen even the slightest bit, I do not own Naruto. Or emo corners, for that matter… **

Tsu-Ze's POV:

Groaning in agony as I (yet again) hung from the shoulder of Uchiha Itachi, I surveyed my wounds: One dislocated shoulder, one broken leg, two or three cracked ribs, and possibly a broken toe. Strangely enough, most of these were from Itachi. Weasel first caused the broken leg, but the force that he put into snapping my femur was obviously powered by complete fury… maybe teasing him about Sasuke was going too far…

*_Slap!*_ Oh my Jashin, I cannot believe I just thought that! SNAP OUT OF IT, GIRL! HE HAS KIDNAPPED YOU AND YOU FEEL SORRY FOR HIM? Wow, there really must be something seriously wrong with me. Guilt is not an emotion that is very important when trying to at least survive and at the most escape from two deadly ninja criminals.

Hmmm… speaking of survival, maybe LISTENING to what my captors are SAYING would be HELPFUL! Kami, how many brain cells did I lose from the attack?

I attempted to pull my mind back down to Earth, and began to attentively listen. In response, I first noticed that an absolutely bloodcurdling screech was piercing the air, and now rebounding inside my ear.

It was only when I tried to open my mouth to ask who was screaming when it hit me. My mouth was already open. I was causing the wail. And it was because I was in _pain._

Wave after wave of crushing, immobilizing, pain crashed throughout my body, mainly radiating from my leg. I've heard that having your femur snapped in half is the most physically painful injury that any human can endure. Now I know why.

So, while I was going through my rather noisy spasms of torture, Itachi was hopping through the trees, most probably sulking. I did not find this amusing in the least. What was even less amusing, though, was what he and Kisame were talking about over my desperate cries. The conversation went a little something like this:

"These girls can NOT be worth the trouble to get them to Leader-sama, Itachi-san. Can we kill at least two of them?"

"Hn."

"Please?"

"…"

"Well, think about it then… but I still want an answer."

*cue Itachi's red glare o' doom*

Somewhere in a small part of my brain that was not dulled by agony, the fact that my friends and I had actually managed to get Itachi to clearly sulk registered. I mean, really, I understand that he's not very social in the first place, but that he was so desperate for silence and peace to recover from our mocking that he would be downright _rude _to his partner caused me a lot of guilty satisfaction. LONG LIVE THE ANNOYING POWERS OF THE NARUTARDS!

Hehehe, now I think my wounds are causing me to be delusional… sort of like when you breathe in too much helium and you feel lightheaded and start to faint but then the squirrels catch you but try to convert you into a Satanist by telling you that it's the only way to repay their kindness until your watch comes alive and jumps off your wrist to save you by hypnotizing the demon squirrels with its mad ticking and you fly away on a harpy which drops you into a lake to retrieve the hot chocolate from the mermaids who stole it from the nerds but by then you've woken up in a hospital because you fainted from lack of oxygen while you thought you were swimming in the lake but really were filling your lungs with helium instead of oxygen just for a little squeak-squeak! *Gasp*

then my half crazed mind overflowed with pain and I finally passed out.

Tora's POV:

I knew the plan was dangerous, but Jashin! These guys really were the real S-ranked criminals deal! I think that I sustained some cracked or broken ribs and a fracture in my arm, but Itachi seriously went all ape shit crazy on poor Tsu-Ze.

I guess it must have been because she sort of called all the attention to herself at the end… she was also the one who thought up Itachi's part of the torment… which obviously wasn't too smart. I guess she just has a talent for being reckless and not thinking about the aftermath. But then, I didn't stop her, so I guess we're all idiots here.

Alright, well, Tsu-Ze's screaming bloody murder and she looks like she's pretty paralyzed at the moment, and Satake is throwing up over Kisame's other shoulder, so it looks like it's up to me to keep everyone alive. Great. Whoop-de-friggin'-doo.

"These girls can NOT be worth the trouble to get them to Leader-sama, Itachi-san. Can we kill at least two of them?"

I heard Kisame complain. Oh, crud… now the buttface wants to kill us. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me…

"Hn."

Well, that's just typical Itachi…

"Please?"

Fish face really is set on destroying us…

"…"

But why doesn't Itachi just agree with him already? Not that I'm complaining or anything…

"Well, think about it then… but I still want an answer."

And then, Itachi _glared _at him! I mean, this was the type of glare I thought he only reserved for Sasuke and obnoxious prisoners like us! But he let its full power loose on Kisame, his own partner! That was totally uncalled for, and downright _mean_! And I was _lovin' it!_

Well, loving it except for the part about killing us. Time to reason with the insane, murdering, S-ranked ninja criminals who we have just conveniently pissed off… good luck Tora, you are going to need it.

"Well, not to barge in on the conversation or anything, but killing us is not a good idea,"

I told them bluntly, while shifting from my uncomfortable position on Kisame's shoulder so that there was less pressure on my damaged ribs.

"Of course it isn't,"

Kisame scoffed.

"Just shut up, girl. You have no idea what you're dealing with."

Ooooh, so fish-face was putting on the big boy gloves now. It's sort of ironic- I mean, come on, I possess just about every bit of relevant information about these ninjas, including stuff about their future. They, on the other hand, have absolutely no idea who my friends and I are, where we're from, and how much we know. And he's accusing ME of not knowing who I'm dealing with… Looks like this was going to be easier than I thought…

"Actually I do, Hoshigaki Kisame, one of the seven swordsmen of the mist. Your sword is Samehade, and it is made out of shark skin and absorbs chakra when it makes contact with skin. It shaves your skin, instead of cuts it, and if someone who is not its owner attempts to handle it, then spike will come out its handle and pierce through their hand,"

Kisame's eyes narrowed before responding,

"Common enough knowledge if you know where to look,"

"I'm not finished. Both you and Uchiha Itachi are part of a criminal organization called the Akatsuki. This group consists entirely of S-ranked ninja criminals, including Hidan and Kakuzu, Deidara and Sasori, Zetsu, and Konan and Pein, who is also known as Leader-sama. Your goal is to capture all of the bijuu and harness their power so that ultimately, the Akatsuki can take over the world and create a twisted sort of 'peace',"

I finished proudly. Now THAT had caught him off guard. I swear, he almost stumbled as he jumped from tree to tree. If he had been drinking coffee or something, it would have sprayed everywhere! Haha, now _that _is an awesome mental image. Picture sharky's eyes bugging out as his head jerks forward and he spits out a bunch of coffee right onto Itachi! I know, complete hilariousness!

Unfortunately, that's not quite what happened, and gill's answer wasn't what I was hoping for.

"See, Itachi? Listen to how much information they have. If it somehow leaks, then it will be dangerous to our organization! We have no choice but to-"

"I KNOW HOW YOU DIE!"

Crap. Crap. Crappity crap throwing monkeys crap. Baka. Baka baka teme dobe baka baka baka. That was not good. I just totally blurted it out! This was bad… those five words were a double edged sword that I just know will come back later to bite us in the butt.

At least I had finally gained my captors' attention, though. Let's see if they want to kill us now! Unfortunately, though, a loud guffaw was emitted from Kisame, and his shoulders which I was precariously perched on shook with humor.

"Y-*giggle*-you-*snort*-can s-*snicker*-see into-*laugh*-the future?"

He finally managed after a chorus of raucous laughter. Itachi was simply looking at me with the apathetic not-that-I-was-actually-interested-but-after-inadvertently-hearing-that-you-are-even-more-stupid-and-boring-than-I-originally-thought face. Jashin, what do I have to do to make them take this seriously?

Well, I definitely had a lot of extensive knowledge about Itachi which might convince him to not kill us, but on the other hand, this information was much more likely to get him more intent on immediately destroying us. It was, unfortunately, the only plan my (awesome narutarded genius) mind could come up with, so… let's try to start out small, 'kay Tora? Yeah. Got this. Go ahead. No use hesitating. Any time now…

"Hmph. Well, don't believe me then, but may I just say that you, my little ferrety enemy, might want to invest in some dark glasses and a cane soon. Getting a jump start on learning to read brail would be advised, too."

Immediately Itachi's dumb head snapped towards me, glaring again. He really needs to get a new look. After a while, it just sort of gets boring. Oh, oh! I know! How about a _Freakin' smile, dumbass!_

"What do you know about my eyesight?"

"Enough to be sure that it's fading fast. News to you, buttface?"

"…"

Cue _yet another _glare. This time, I was the lucky recipient, but instead of shying away like fishface did, I shot back a rather nasty look of my own. I was rather proud of my evil eye, even without looking in a mirror. Not to brag or anything, but this was one thing that I was very accomplished at. I had lots of practice glowering at my idiot brother.

I couldn't help but wonder how much we looked like Naruto and Sasuke right then. We were, after all, engaging in that all too familiar glaring contest that is so popular in the Naruto series. You know, those moments you always happening between Naruto and Sasuke in their genin days, in which electric anime sparks are connecting the two frenemies' eyes and the tension between the two is visible.

The only really defining difference that mattered? I was absolutely no going back concrete hard written in sharpie or typewriter ink certain that Itachi and I were under no circumstances "frenemies". I hated this monotonous antagonist that invaded the Naruto series with his cold looks and heart sob story about his orders to kill his own clan to stop a war. That was it. I thought I was sure before, but in those seconds I mentally slammed my gavel down and deemed him guilty as charged, no more plea bargains or second chances. I didn't like him in the anime; I didn't like him in real life either. Uchiha Itachi could go burn in hell for all I cared.

I don't know if this mental hatred showed in my glare (like, if my eyes suddenly turned to anime fireballs. I don't know if that's how things really work in the narutoverse), or if he just ran out of patience, but after one last scowl Itachi turned away, speaking to fishy while his blank face looked straight ahead. I WON, SUCKER!

"No. Don't kill them. They must all be kept alive."

I put on a grim smile and went back to focusing on the pain I felt coming from my injuries. Man, Satake and Tsu-Ze soooooo owed me for saving their asses. It was at that time that I noticed the heavy silence that was held in the air. Somewhere in the back of my mind it registered that Tsu-Ze had passed out a while ago, but why wasn't the air that rushed past us audible? We had obviously stopped moving, but why?

"Someone is tailing us. They are currently approximately 327 meters behind us and approaching."

"Well, we're fairly close to the hideout, Itachi-san. We don't want to risk leading them there, so how about we meet 'em halfway and kill them?"

At that point, Itachi paused to decide, and then looked at his blue partner sharply, before retaliating,

"No. We can't endanger the girls."

Kisame snorted, thinking it was some sort of joke, before remembering who his partner was and gawking at him, completely taken aback. To be honest, so was I. Really now, these guys were S ranked flippin' NINJAS who were completely infamous in their world, and butt munch there was worried that WE, three teenage civilians with scarce chakra control who had put all of our efforts into annoying the shit out of them, would be threatened because THEY (need I go back to the whole insanely powerful ninja thing?) would have their hands too full with this ONE GUY to protect us? There were so many things wrong with this that I couldn't even muster up the strength to think up some smart-ass retort.

I suddenly heard a quiet voice barely slip out from my left. Finally, it looked like Satake had decided to contribute. But what she said was not something I expected. I admit, I had been a little concerned about her state of shocked silence thus far, but I was beginning to seriously consider that somehow the inter-dimensional trip had muddled her brain. Directed at the pony-tailed woodland critter, my Asian friend had just muttered something along the lines of,

"Thank you, Itachi."

Why? That one worded question was running, skipping, dancing, and all out performing gymnastics through my mind. Why would anyone thank criminals who had just kidnapped them? What the hell was wrong with her? This, I did not know. Maybe I was biased because of my own intense hatred of all things pink-eyed and ferrety, but would you have thanked your own captor who had started out your morning by beating you up? No. Just… No. Why would she DO that? These cold-blooded murdering psychopaths had done NOTHING to earn our gratefulness. Well, sure, pink-eye over there had (barely) kept Kisame from killing us off, and was currently trying to keep us out of harm's way, but quite frankly, I sort of WANTED to check out their real ninja moves, and besides, this guy had also kidnapped us, placed a nasty genjutsu on us, beat us to within an inch of our lives, and just been all-around unfriendly and rather monotonous. Come on, we didn't even get a reaction out of him like we did Kisame, except for a hands on lesson about the many uses of his sharingan. Yeah. Thanks a bunch, Mr. Emotionless.

Not surprisingly, Itachi did not respond to Satake's murmured thanks. Neither did I, outwardly anyways. I considered saying something rude to weasel, but refrained myself and waited for my captors to decide on their next course of action.

"Fine, fine. Whatever you say, Itachi-san. What will we do instead?"

"We need to find out if the ninja is tailing us on from Konoha. Send a clone, but do not, under any circumstances, engage in battle. We will head west to throw them off of the trail to the hideout, and alert Leader-same in the case that he finds the base."

"Hai."

As we headed west, I shot an angry glare at Satake before making a great show of turning my head the other way and shunning her. As Satake was forced to stare at the red of my ponytail, I noticed Tsu-Ze's eyes starting to flutter, and let out a gentle sigh of relief as she awoke on Itachi's shoulder.

"I officially have no feeling in my legs,"

She stated blandly, her eyes blinking rapidly. Kisame's clone must have gathered the information, because he started whispering something to Itachi that I didn't quite catch before Tsu-Ze continued,

"FYI, some guy named Uskay is following us. He's just a genin who got lost on a mission to pick berries!"

She giggled a bit, before stopping her incessant blinking only to have her eyes snap wide open. As I looked at her in confusion, I just caught a glimpse of silver coloring fading from her eyes…

"Oh, Kami,"

fish boy said.

"She's exactly right."

Tsu-Ze's POV:

"She's exactly right,"

'_What the fuck?-I was dreaming when-saw a glowing ball of light in the forest-was I dead?-no, pain…-light turned into person-gained form-genin-small amount of chakra-could feel his bewilderment-he was lost-looking for companions-supposed to be an easy mission with no setbacks-could smell berries-name was Uskay-thought I saw a dragon…-'_

'_SHUT UP! MY GOD I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK OVER THE SOUNDS OF MY OWN THOUGHTS! Okay, just… concentrate. Sort everything out. Information about Uskay is irrelevant. What was I thinking about the dragon? Oh, that's right… in the dream when I looked down I was a dragon. Why was I- well, I as a dragon- glowing the same color as that ball of light before it turned into Uskay? WHY DO I KNOW WHO THE FUCK USKAY IS? No, calm… calm… think…why did everything look silver when I woke up? I know I'm hungry… but, why did that light look so… tasty?'_

All motion grounded to a halt as I hyperventilated on Itachi's shoulder.

'_It was just a dream, right? I dreamt that someone was behind us, right? Maybe this Narutoverse thing is a dream, too…'_

But no. Itachi and Kisame's wide eyed stares were enough to grind THAT fantasy to a halt. Mr. Grumpy Gills swiftly began to move towards me rather threateningly, but luckily, I was saved by the weasel king when he intercepted with a few soft words, spoken with the authority and dull, flat pitched monotone of a true leader,

"I think the interrogations will have to wait until we arrive at our base."

Defeated, fishy-chan stepped back again, and leaped up back into the trees without a warning and sped off in the direction that I could only assume the Akatsuki base lay ahead of. Left alone with Itachi, I decided that there were a few things that needed to be said.

"…I think he's a little frustrated, weasel… oh, and Itchy? You might want to turn your head away for this next part-WHAT THE FUCKIN' HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME GOD DAMMIT?"

And without a word, Itchy (I think I like that nickname best so far!) followed shark bait grimly, until precisely 346 leaps from tree branch to tree branch later, he stood in front of a camouflaged stairwell that led steeply down into what we could only presume was the Akatsuki hideaway. Positioned underground, its location was made evident by the fact that old fish face was waiting outside of it for Itchy and me, my two steadfast friends slung fireman style over his thick blue shoulders.

"We're here."

**Once again, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME FOR NOT UPDATING IN SO LONG! I tried to make this chapter extra long to make up for it, but truthfully, all of my efforts are wasted trying to appease you after this horrible crime I've committed. Once again, the reviews really do hold a great power in them, and THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BESTOWING THOSE POWERS UNTO ME, YOUR FAITHFUL AND HUMBLE AUTHOR!**

**Oh, and I'm thinking about adding a new character (male), but I'm really thinking that it'll make things too complicated, so tell me if you agree or if you want me to add a character. And tell me who you want to be paired with who! I've got my own idea of what I want to happen, but this story is **_**totally **_**flexible. It really seems to be writing itself, as I intended, since I've sort of been winging it and making it up as I go along. I really don't know what will happen next! So if you have any ideas, romance or other wise *coughcough**_**humor**_**coughcough* PLEASE leave a review and I might add it. It's up to you guys to help me write this thing!**

**Tsu-Ze Haitsuchi, signing off**


	6. Chapter 6

**YES! I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED YOU GUYS! WOOT WOOT! COOKIES FOR ALL! **

**Disclaimer: ZOMG GUESS WHAT? I JUST BOUGHT NARUTO! I NOW OFFICIALLY OWN NARU- wait, what? What was that? 'gullible' is written on the ceiling? Oh, cool! Let me see- hey, that's not written on the ceiling! And… um… yeah I lied about owning Naruto, too… *sigh*…**

Tsu-Ze's POV:

Hmmm. Steep stone stairs leading into an unlit oblivion that smelled of fear and musky dampness. Something that could perhaps be identified as either old, rust colored dried blood, or a strange type of red lichen adorning the walls, hopefully the latter. An occasional scream would pierce through the blackness and rattle the shrunken heads that hung threateningly from the ceiling.

Alright, alright, maybe I was going a little far with the screams and the shrunken heads. But the description above was what I expected when Itachi carried me down into the Akatsuki hideout. Come on, what would YOU have thought it would be like?

Well, whatever you just imagined, it was wrong. Sure, the stairs were pretty dark, but once Itachi opened the door that they led to by performing some weird sort of fire type jutsu, the oncoming rush of glowing warmth and light erased all the pressing gloominess that the stairs (and my captors) had inflicted on me.

The room was well lit, and connected to it was a series of hallways that looked so twisted and confusing that I couldn't imagine how anyone could navigate through their maze. The room itself was actually quite nice. No dust or cobwebs; in fact, it was pretty much spotless. Every surface glistened with cleanliness. The floor was covered by a carpet that was blue, black, and brown. I must admit that I was rather happy with the arrangement. It was such a nice, quiet, peaceful-

"Itachi and Kisame! What in Kami's name have you been doing to these poor girls?"

Well, there went the peacefulness. Konan suddenly appeared as she spun around in big armchair with wheels to face us. Apparently, she had previously been hidden from us by said armchair as she sat facing the warm fireplace, her back to the door. The lone female Akatsuki member's blue eyes were alight with fury, and Kisame visibly flinched at the intimidating sight. But why was she on our side? This came as quite a shock. Not only was Konan rarely seen in both the anime and manga, but weren't all Akatsuki members just plain evil?

"Bring them over here, _now_. Its obvious they're not ninjas, why would you bring wounded civilians to the hideout? Now we definitely have to kill them, and I just finished the paint job!"

Oookay, maybe she wasn't quite as nice as my earlier assumption, then… she sure was loud, though. The origami master then took a closer look at our condition, and continued with,

"And was it really necessary to torture them? I hate bringing civilians into this whole mess"

Konan stated this with a noticeably softer voice than before. I had always assumed that the only reason that she got involved with a group as evil as the Akatsuki was because of Pein. Maybe if this was true, Tora, Satake, and I could have an inkling of a chance at surviving. But alas, we had no such luck, and our two killjoy criminals decided to step in and brutally squash all hope of surviving.

"The prisoners appear to possess knowledge about the Akatsuki that could endanger the organization. Aside from that, this one," Itachi gestured to me before continuing, "seems to have a strange skill, perhaps some unknown form of kekkai genkai. We would appreciate you to allow us to take the prisoners to the interrogation room now, Konan-san."

Konan frowned slightly at the Uchiha's words and flawless etiquette, and then shook her head slightly before replying,

"Hm. Well, I suppose there's nothing I can do now, then. Still, I've been estranged from other girls for so long. Are you sure that I can't borrow them for a little while before torture? Conversation is a little one-sided when it's with a broken mind."

The last part was delivered dryly, with exasperation added by the origami master's scowling face and defensive posture, arms crossed and feet planted in a firm position on the carpet. Itachi just ignored her, but- oh shit. Broken mind? BROKEN _MIND? _WHAT THE HELL WERE THESE SCOUNDRELS PLANNING ON DOING WITH ME?

I began screaming my thoughts out loud and kicking my kidnaper with my good leg. Itachi turned towards me, hand outstretched, probably to perform some sort of jutsu to get me to shut up, when I screeched,

"YOU HEARTLESS COWARD! YOU DO NOTHING BUT TORTURE US ON THE WAY HERE, ONLY TO TORTURE ME SOME MORE UPON ARRIVAL? YOU VIOLENT ASSHOLE! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LOWER YOURSELF TO THIS LEVEL? _HOW MUCH OF YOURELF HAVE LOST JOINING THE AKATSUKI?"_

A flicker of something crossed Itachi's red eyes, and his hand suddenly stopped its reaching motion. For a split second, I knew there was something there. That miniscule flicker had held something, something besides weasel's usual impassiveness. It was so small that I was uncertain if anything was there, but- there it was again! He was running my words through his mind, and something had cracked his barrier. Admittedly, not very much at all, but hey, this was Itachi-friggin'-Uchiha. Getting him to say something with more than one syllable was impressive.

I was struck by a sudden thought- perhaps, now that I was officially a part of the anime, there could be the slightest chance that I could change Itachi's fate. I remembered the first time I watched Sasuke kill him, his smile as he gently poked his younger sibling. Itachi never deserved to die like that. But then again, the same character was probably about to inflict pain and suffering upon me in an effort to obtain information, so the save the weasel plan was probably going to have to wait. Assuming I would be feeling generous enough and didn't hate him with all of my being later. And also assuming I would survive long enough to execute the mission.

I did the only thing left that I could think of then, as the sharingan user led me towards the dungeon o' doom. I turned towards Tora, who happened to be on the shoulder closest to me, and gave her a pleading look. I didn't really know what else to do, and maybe I was just trying to say goodbye, but my poor friend was already scared, and with that last desperate look, something special must have been pulled out of her. I turned my head away to focus my efforts on struggling, when I was startled by the frustrated scream of Tora, which, as it dragged on, was beginning to sound much more… animalistic.

The next thing I heard was the blood-chilling, bone-rattling roar of a very angry feline. I stopped my struggling for a split second and snapped my head to the left, and gaped stupidly at the sight my eyes were met with.

My best friend had turned into a brilliant cobalt tiger. Her shining cerulean fur seemed to ripple as she leapt off of the shoulder of Kisame, and the strong muscles that fueled her movement worked visibly as my friend proceeded to advance towards her enemies. As I watched open-mouthed, I noticed the waves radiating through the majestic cat's coat almost appeared to spark with energy that no normal beast could obtain. Tora quickly veered towards Itachi with a fierce, deadly progression that struck an almost physical blow of terror to my chest. Everything seemed to still in the room, as if the weight of the horror that I was feeling had forced time to freeze. The only action was the unending ripple of Tora's blue fur and the passing glint in her watery tiger eyes.

As I gazed mesmerized at the tiger's coat, I realized that the keen energy I saw permeating it was distinctly similar to chakra. Looking closer, I realized the entire coat was all chakra. Water element chakra, to be precise. I briefly entertained the thought that Tora was actually a jinchuuriki and that this strange creature was a chakra demon, but quickly pushed the idea to the back of my mind.

Itachi simply stared emotionless at the creature that was quite obviously dead set on his painful destruction. I was quite sure that he had activated his sharingan, and I wondered if genjutsu worked on animals. Tora, who had just proven herself more than worthy for the nick-name "kitty-chan" emitted a low, menacing growl as her striped tail waved back and forth and her legs bent her into a low crouching posture.

For the first time in my life, I was seriously afraid that my best friend would eat me.

Tora pounced faster than my eye could see, and struck Itachi directly in his chest, causing him to drop me. And- OH JASHIN THE PAIN!

All of the pain of my previous injuries returned with a vengeance so torturous that I couldn't even muster up a scream. The second Itachi let go of me, it was as if anesthesia or some other drug had worn off. Before, it was as if the pain had just gradually faded away, but now I remembered everything: the broken femur, the dislocated shoulder, the multiple fractured ribs, and even the sadly broken toe. All of them were protesting my previous negligence while I lay gasping for air on the ground.

Meanwhile, Tora was looking between me and Itachi rapidly, growling and shaking her head in bewilderment. Itachi was still unresponsive, not even making a move to defend himself as the tiger struggled to decide if she could do anything to help me or if it would be wiser to continue attacking Itachi. Luckily, weasel jumped in to help that decision.

"As you see, while your friend stayed in contact with me I was reducing her pain by constantly transferring a medical numbing chakra into her. If you want her to stop suffering, then I suggest you stop assaulting me,"

Gills probably would have stepped in too, but I think his fish brain was still trying to process how a low chakra civilian girl could have transformed into a pissed off blue tiger.

Tora stood her ground in a defensive posture, a growl continuing to rip out of her throat, but she did not attempt to further her onslaught on the Uchiha, and I was placed back on his shoulder. The sweet bliss of a drug-like state of numbness returned and the room stopped spinning.

Returning from my previous haze of suffering, my head happened to swing to the side, where three outstanding blue figures were poised, still framed by the flickering light emanating from the comforting old fireplace. Two had their mouths agape, and one angrily planted with her feet/paws apart and legs locked. Strangely, the height difference between the two humans struck me as quite comical. I never knew that Konan was of such diminutive stature, nor had I cared to notice upon our meeting or since then. In fact, I had almost forgotten about Konan, but as her blue (wow, that is DEFINITELY the color of the day) eyes narrowed it was clear that she would stand for it no longer.

"And what, pray tell, were you telling me about the girls' kekkai genkais?"

She hissed threateningly. Tora began backing up cautiously, but was stopped when her paws slipped into a mess of origami papers that the floor had become and stuck, rendering her immobile. Itachi hesitated for a long while, before replying lamely to the oldest female in the room,

"This… seems to be a new development…"

My previous pain gone, I felt no need to refrain myself from entering a few smart comments into the dialogue, and proceeded on doing so with,

"Wow, Itchy. That's the best you can come up with? You know, maybe if you cared to talk to us about it and politely ask us questions, this wouldn't come as such a… how did you put it? Oh, right… a 'new development.'"

The last part I did in a very poorly imitation of weasel's monotone voice. Unfortunately, I ended up sounding more like some kind of retarded android, but it got the point across. Of course, the whole thing was a bluff, as the manifestation of these powers were obviously completely new to us, too, but they didn't know that! At least, they didn't as long as none of them had noticed Tora rolling her eyes at the statement.

"…Itchy…?"

"Meh, 'Itachi' sounds too long and unfriendly. He needed a nickname! Nice touch, ri-"

"The point is, Konan, these girls are dangerous and must be interrogated immediately."

Konan let out a very un-ladylike snort at this, and retorted,

"And have the third one end up blowing us all up? No thank you. I swear Itachi- or rather, Itchy- you have no tact. Don't you see the potential? Just look at them! They're fairly athletic, I can feel their chakra increasing within minutes, they possess these incredible jutsus or kekkai genkais or _something_, don't you see the possibilities?"

I nearly exploded laughing when she called Itachi "Itchy". I was about an inch away from falling off his shoulder, and when I looked her way, she smirked and winked at me before continuing. Unfortunately, I missed the expression on Itchy's face, but it must have been something because I could tell that Tora was desperately struggling to keep the corners of her tiger mouth from turning upwards and spreading from ear to ear.

"Konan-san… with all due respect, just what are you implying?"

"They should join the Akatsuki, of course!"


	7. Chapter 7

**AAACCCKKKK! I AM SO SORRY FOR NEGLECTING MY FAITHFUL READERS YET AGAIN!**

**I am very sorry for forgetting this story yet again. I would love to say that I have an excuse, but honestly I just lost inspiration and interest. But no more! I am determined to write! And if anyone wanted to perhaps reward me with a chocolate unicorn, then I of course would gladly accept… again, I'm so sorry for the wait but… umm… I still love you guys! 3**

**Disclaimer: ****.com/naruto/images/b/b4/Masashi_**

**That is the link to a picture of the man who owns Naruto. You can find many more by searching "Masashi Kimimoto" on Google Images. None of the pictures that will appear as a result of the search will be of me. I. Do. Not. Own. Naruto. **

…**fools**

**Tsu-Ze's POV:**

"They should join the Akatsuki, of course!"

A grin spread quickly on my face at the proposition that Konan had so kindly presented.

If you think about it, it really would be advantageous for the Akatsuki if a shape shifter and some sort of psychic joined their ranks. Who wouldn't want those abilities on their side? And, of course, while my first priority would be to change the destinies of a few select Akatsuki members, that didn't mean that my friends and I couldn't have any fun messing with them a bit… they were, after all, originally planning on torturing us, right? Maybe that called for a little suffering on their part.

Satake, on the other hand, didn't seem to agree.

"Join the Akatsuki? But you're the bad guy! w-we would have to kill, wouldn't we? It's sort of a job requirement, isn't it! A-a-and then, what's to say that you wouldn't end up killing us? Just let us go!" She spat.

My grin quickly became a frown. Poor Satake. In the Naruto-verse, it was sort of kill or be killed. Konan's attention was quickly directed on Satake, and she emotionlessly replied,

"Sweetie, the invitation doesn't exactly apply to you. I meant the girls with the special kekkai genkais. You will probably be… disposed of."

I was horrified. Satake couldn't die! She was part of the group, and what would we do without her realistic sense and her cool head? She had to have something, something that made her useful…

And then it hit me. Her cool head! Her _control!_

"You could train her to be a medic ninja! All you have is Kakuzu, right? And what does he do? Sews parts of Hidan back together. You guys go after all sorts of crazy dangerous bijuu, and who _knows _what sort of life threatening injuries you could receive!" I hurriedly spouted, visibly flustered at the thought of my best friend being killed.

In my head, I dryly added that Deidara would be very glad for a medic's assistance after he started losing his arms left and right (heh, left and right, like his left arm and his right arm! *cough cough* really bad pun intended). My formidable furry feline friend growled lightly in agreement, and Satake's furrowed brow lightened considerably at the welcome new prospect of not being "disposed of".

Pity slowly crept into Konan's eyes as she protested with, "A healer would be nice, but it's very difficult to be an accomplished medic. There are many different factors that go into the making of a medic, and whose to say that your friend has any of them?"

"Well, for one, all of the injuries she sustained from Itchy and Fishy," the two ninjas glared daggers at me. "… ahem, _Itachi _and _Kisame_," I amended, before continuing, "are gone."

The origami artist's eyes widened as she saw the truth of my statement. I myself had noticed this strange new development when my captor was being attacked by Tora's kitty form. I still had all of my aches and pains, but Satake seemed to have sustained no injuries. While the discovery of her ability was a little more understated than Tora's and mine, it was still nothing less than a miracle that I was extremely grateful for."

"Well, perhaps we could work something out. But _all _of you must go through a few tests before you can be admitted to-"

"WHAT EXACTLY IS GOING ON HERE?"

Everyone's heads snapped to the side, only to meet the glare of a very menacing pierced individual. He was emanating an arrogant "holier than thou" vibe, and both Konan and Kisame visibly flinched under his gaze. I however, responded with a cheerful greeting in hopes of making a good first impression on my hopefully future leader.

"Hello, ginger!"

Aaaaaannnndddd cue the anime vein popping out on his forehead.

"Pein-Sama, please pardon the girl's actions. She's an idiot."

"Oh, geez, thanks Konan. I thought you-"

"SILENCE!"

The Akatsuki boss-man yelled. At this point, I simply responded by miming zipping my lips, locking them together, and throwing away the key. This didn't help. On the contrary it made the man's ringed eyes look even more furious.

If you haven't guessed already, the now very angry man was Pein.

"Now, tell me exactly why these… oddly dressed civilians are in our secret base," he demanded, calmer than before but still retaining the intimidating air about him.

"Leader-Sama, these girls have much information about our organization and also appear to have some kekkai genkais we could use," replied Itachi, keeping it short and to the point.

"Then what do you plan on doing with them?"

"Well… I thought maybe they could join the Akatsuki, Pein-Sama." This time, it was Konan who responded. I noticed how she called him Pein instead of Leader, and guessed that she was probably the only one who was allowed to. If only Pein would at least act the slightest bit human, he could see how much Konan cared about him. It's sad, really. I pitied the poor girl… hmmm… unless… I could help her.

I quickly began to formulate a plan to make Pein and Konan a couple. I just needed to set the mood here, make sure music plays there… it was all quite simple. Of course, the entire scheme was set on the premise that I would be kept alive.

"-fine, as long as you do it."

I had been so deep in my thoughts that it was only then that I could hear the ginger's voice again. I blame it on the fact that the narutoverse is sadly lacking in Ritalin.

"What? Do what? I wasn't listening!" I cried out. All heads snapped towards me.

"Come on! I was zoning." still, I was met only by glares. Then I remembered.

"oh, right… the whole zip my lips thing… damn. Well who really expected that to last anyways?"

No one responded, and I was left awkwardly waiting while still on Itachi's shoulder… It made me sad. Instead, Pein just shot me one last hateful glare and swept out of the room, leaving me with on the shoulder of a weasel and surrounded by a blue cat, a terrified Satake slung over fishy's shoulder, and little miss origami. It took a while before anyone spoke, everyone seemed to be recovering from the threatening aura still left in the room by Pein, but finally Konan broke the silence by saying,

"What we are going to do, is test all of you to see if you are worthy of joining the Akatsuki."

"Thank you! Finally, someone who has the decency to actually explain things to me."

"We wouldn't have to, Tsu-Ze, if you would just pay attention for once," mumbled Tora, who was now back in her human form. Strange… I didn't recall seeing that happen.

"Welcome back kitty-chan. But you know my brain is too confusing for it to stay on one subject for long… and look! No meds here!"

As my last sentence was processed by everyone in the room, they all replied in unison with one word,

"Shit."

(except Itachi, because that would be very out of character)

Satake spoke up again for the second time, always the one to address forgotten issues. "Moving on from Tsu-Ze's idiocy, when do we test? And do we get to train? I've never been a ninja befo-"

"I WAS ALWAYS A NINJA!" I intervened. Notice how I was much more concerned about the ninja comment than the one about my idiocy…

"SHUT UP TSU-ZE!"

"I'LL SAY WHAT I WANT TORA. I TELL NO LIES."

"YOU'RE NOT A NINJA TSU-ZE!"

"ARE TO!"

"ARE NOT!"

"ARE TO!"

"ARE NOT!"

"ARE T-"

"If you continue yelling in my ear, there will be consequences," warned Itachi calmly, effectively stopping the debate/mindless shouting match in its tracks.

"Buzzkill," I pouted

"…immature two year old," he said so quietly that I almost didn't catch it. He was looking away, and I was left staring at the back of his had, my mouth agape and eyes wide open.

Had I….had I really just managed to make Itachi retaliate to my immature teasing? And in a manner not involving violence? The corners of my open mouth slowly turned upwards as I was overcome with pride and accomplishment. I looked around to see if anyone had seen my great feat, but unfortunately due to the weasel's barely audible reply, my success was unknown. And I was starting to get weird stares because of my deranged looking open-mouthed grin. But I didn't care! My determination was renewed! I WILL MELT THE HUMAN ICE CUBE!

"You will have a one week training period before testing. Each one of us will train one of you. I guess I'll take Satake, Kisame will take Tora, and Itachi will be Tsu-Ze's mentor," stated Konan, calmly ignoring the previous argument.

It was obvious that neither Kisame nor Konan were very pleased with this arrangement, but Itachi seemed to be the most pissed off. While Kisame just grumbled under his breath and Konan wore a disgruntled expression, the weasel looked like he was ready to strangle Konan. He glared at her continuously, and appeared to be waiting for her to change her mind, though she said nothing else and instead left the room.

To be honest, I was a little- well, very hurt at Itachi's reaction. Personally, I was excited (and terrified) of training to become a ninja, but it was clear that the usually apathetic weasel wanted nothing to do with me. Sure, I wanted him to feel emotions again, but I didn't want them to be hate.

Although, I was the most annoying one in the group. And I would be lying if I said if I wasn't proud of that- NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF OBNOXIOUSNESS! But this would also make it harder to stay alive. It seemed like training would be a little more difficult than necessary with Itchy.

Without a word, I was suddenly dropped on the floor by said ninja as he stalked away. Surprisingly though, there was no pain, and all of my wounds were gone! Itchy must of healed them! To show my gratitude, I quickly yelled at his retreating form,

"ITCHY! YOU HEALED MY OUCHY BOO-BOOS! DID YOU KISS THEM TO MAKE THEM BETTER?"

I didn't even receive a grunt for that. I brushed off my emotional pain and stood up, stretching and testing my previously injured body parts. I walked over to where Tora was standing and watched as Kisame released Satake; luckily for her he did it much more gently than Itachi.

As he turned around to follow Itachi, this time Satake yelled a question to him.

"Wait! Where are we going to stay?"

"Figure it out yourself," he called back.

"YOU SUCK FISHY!" I announced, frustrated by this new ordeal we would have to face. The others, however, did not seem to approve of my approach to it (yelling at S-ranked criminal ninjas) and voiced their disapproval with,

"SHHH!"

**YES! I DID IT! AGAIN, I'M SOOOOOOO SORRY! I really hope you guys will still read this… thanks to Trem or reviewed me today while I was already in the writing mode and reminded me HEY! I HAVE AN OUTLET FOR WHEN I'M IN A WRITING MODE AND IT HAS BEEN NEGLECTED! So even though I've been absent, I really love all my readers and reviewers and hope you won't shun me for my lateness! And Trem, thank you again and I will be eagerly awaiting my chocolate unicorn! TSU-ZE HAITSUCHI, SIGNING OFF! BUT NOT FOR SO LONG THIS TIME! I HOPE! I'LL TRY!**


	8. Goodbye

Hey guys, Casey here. I started writing this story when I was barely 13 years old, and the fact that I still continue to get feedback on it despite not having updated in years is absolutely heartwarming, and I cannot fully express how much I appreciate it. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is, until now, I had planned on just letting this quietly slip away into oblivion and die. I haven't even watched an episode of Naruto in years! But I think I owe my reviewers, followers, and lovely, lovely readers some closure. So this is it. There will be no continuation of "Psh, We Can Take These Akatsuki Fools Anyday". My writing has grown and improved, my fandoms have changed, and this story is simply not my style anymore. Writing it, however, gave me the opportunity learn and improve a lot, and I am so grateful for that. Fanfiction has done so much to cultivate an everlasting love of writing, and I owe it in part to everyone who read and reviewed this awkward little 13 year old's attempt at a leap into the fantasy world that she loved so much. Thank you.


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